After an Autistic writer’s Drought .

It has been many months since I wrote.

I’ve written but not blogging, I’ve been

Writing to synthesise  my thoughts and aims carefully tightrope walking across the chasm of clumsiness and possible offence.

Wanting to return to painting and poetry yet caught up in writing to promote change in approach to Autism and Research.

Hoping  to foster a desire for an autistic run mini conference so that those of us who have  past presentations given  at mainstream conferences can share with the autistic community in Oz. Travel and accommodation is so expensive here on this continent that attending mainstream Conferences is prohibitive.

Fortunately Aspect organised scholarships for autistic presenters at APAC17 to pay part or all of the registration fee…. a great move to assisting Inclusion.

Autscape in England is so far away that it is impossible for us to attend  so a mini conference with minimal costs would be great. Great to share presentations, great to meet up with other autistics. Many of us living outside major cities have no face to face contact with our Neurological peers.

It is just a seed now and with a bit of gentle unforced nurturing this idea may come to fruition. We need to start small, maybe very small but ensuring that those outside major cities have reasonable access.  Many ideas to toss around, letting form evolve so that it all fits together … it doesn’t need to be fashioned on the Typical models of conferences…..after we are not typical.


At present I have no idea how this will appear … will it be under my nom de plume twitter or real twitter accounts. I’m lost in cyberspace as I am still not affair with technology… a continual learning curve … and it takes perseverance and  the risk taking of one blindfolded. If that doesn’t demonstrate Resilience… autistic resilience what does?





Removing the Door

p1030341Perspectives on the Freeze Response as I experienced it when violated Trigger Response…abuse/violation. This piece refers to a rape situation many years ago…so difficult to write that word… rape.

There will be no description of the physical assault, I do not wish to relive that experience but to witness it for what it was to me and my response.

This all happened as a result of my naivety, my trusting nature  when offered a safe place to sleep  for the night in a city where all accomodation was filled by displaced people. Displaced  a few years before by an earthquake.

I was woken by a man I’d never seen and knew instinctively that there was no possibility of ” flight or fight”. I guess I detached myself, my inner and emotional self from the scene.  What happened was inevitable. Emotionally I froze, cut myself off from engaging in any way with what was happening and that included ” fear”. Fear happens when confronted with the unknown and not dealing with the reality of the ‘now”. That “now’ was happening and with no where to run  and no one to alert there was no point in fighting.  That could result in further affliction.

May be things that happened in my childhood  spoke to me  and I  recognised  my powerlessness.  Things that related to various forms of abuse by people who were supposed to be trusted. Trusted by the family.

Once that part of the ordeal was over I matter of factly prepared myself to leave that premisses.  I walked into the hallway with backpack on, heard a bath running, no towel seen just a doily type thing and then the man sharpening a huge knife, not a kitchen knife, and silly me wondered why he would be doing this early in the morning. Was he preparing his breakfast?

It was only much later that I realised the enormity of his plans.

He saw me quietly standing there still in a frozen emotional state. I was calm and ready to leave. He put away his knife and backed his car into the porch , opened the door, told me to get in and lie low on the back seat. Some kilometres later he stopped his car, told me to get out and then drove off.

I cannot remember how I managed to get anywhere from there that part is still unclear. Somehow I was safe.

My  autistic naivety may have  led me into this dangerous situation but my autistic freeze response saved my life. I’m sure that the man expected some dramatic scene that I did not give him and this may have calmed him,  he may have known  by then that I’d not be calling out ” rape” or reporting him to the authorities.

It was  quite sometime later that I  made awful sense of that bath and knife.

My freezing had saved me but also saved him from committing a further crime.

Screaming under water!

What happens when you scream underwater?

Screaming underwater is what I do when trying to surface in a new reality.

I try to find the appropriate pathways but they are not necessarily the same as those I intuitively follow…………so inside my mind I scream.

I feel that I’m drowning and no one knows… just now at this moment the words of a song come to my mind… I never understood what these words meant…. Drowning not waving.   Now I “get it”.

It is the position we feel inside when we try to communicate and our efforts aren’t seen . Is this why some autistic children cease to speak or never speak? What is unseen, unspoken and unheard is the exhausting efforts autistics make to adapt, fit in and accomodate non-autistics only to be judged as being inflexible, un cooperative and much more…. how can we turn the light on and reveal our undercurrents, our whirlpools and our building waves that carry not only us but others too to undiscovered shores?

The difficulty is finding the correct pathways, not alluding to mental pathways but cultural pathways… people have different emphases on things and some people’s minds race ahead of where they are at to where they want to go and drop off a cliff. Other people slip and slide around those pathways and then find the track has been ripped out from under their feet just as they were beginning to get that grip.

Does the latter happen when parents speak and assume their children understand not only the words but also the grammar, syntax and significance of what is being communicated without tuning in to the child, the novice in  acquiring  language a ” common” language? Does the child miss the chance to commence walking on that path to wait for another opportunity… but what if  as he/she goes to plant a foot on that path as it disappears and is replaced by something else?

It  requires much patience  on behalf of parent/teacher and also student/child  etc  to progress to this common ground.   Perseverance! and a sense of authentic presence.

Not a half hearted attempt of flinging a few words and hoping they will land somewhere. The teacher becomes the student of the pupil in an attempt to know where interests lie, to get to know that person is a commitment when that person is autistic.

This blog is part of my tuition, the part where I’ll be learning to use ” tags’, but it is more than that it offers me a conscious insight as to what my mind is doing and also where my mind was racing ahead or slipping sideways . It is helping me to clarify intricacies of learning language as it were  ” from scratch” as Tech lingo is so different from my native or other acquired languages I’ve mastered and in doing my hope is get closer to knowing my Godson… who does not speak in words.

Jumping into the unknown ill-equipped is a gamble I have to take. Will I make it or remain screaming  under   water?

Late DX older Autistics struggling with Social Media 2 connect.

As an older late DX autistic I have trouble connecting with the online autistic community. Came to this site by chance. Am still figuring out myself since my diagnosis. Am sure I’ve made many mistakes trying to connect .

After decades of being excluded it is easy to take offence when my friendly overture is ignored at a Workshop,I take it as a conscious rejection instead of a by product of the other’s autism.  Results in a wariness to approach younger autistic adults. It can feel that there is a big invisible sign saying ” no autistics over x years welcome”.

It is difficult to deal with  decades of exclusion by NTs  followed by perceived exclusion by those who espouse Inclusion. Is there a support avenue for older autistics whose birth year plight hasn’t provided a DX by middle age nor equipped them to be included via social media etc?