Addressing the Elephant.

After a week of ” socialising” I’m a wreck… so why in the hell did I do it?

Spent time with life-long friend… away together  sharing accomodation.

Me I’m a recluse so not used to speaking… so it all poured out, interests, autism and associated conditions … felt so much of a ” kill joy”… so many dietary and mobility issues.

Instead of just feeling like I’d ruined another’s holiday I spoke out about my self blame and I guess my fear at losing a friend may have surfaced. Crunch!

My home isolation and her inability for self time at her home…. Crunched.  Acknowledging it to each -other, acknowledging each other, smoothed out the sharpness of Crunch.

Articulating, acknowledging the elephant allowed us to caress it to ask it to sit with us, to ” be” with us as we listened to its silent witnessing we realised that we were at home being at times not at home with each other.  Being real! More so than ever before.

Three spoon drained days… ended  well with a wave from the long distance bus.

OK! That may seem, as it was for me , exhausting but there was no time to recover. It was one of those ” it never rains but it pours” situations.

Another long time friend from the city had commitments in nearby towns. A great opportunity time and location -wise to ” catch up” so I’d invited her to stay the nights in between.

Don’t know about you but when I’m a wreck I become a blithering mess… but before that stage, whilst I still have some sense of lucidity I launched into common interests … sounds fine … excitedly speaking at the pace of a bullet….

Aware of it but not knowing how to get out of my self woven spider web… i ground down to gibberish… to admitting my brain had ceased up… not  even able to answer  simple questions like ” would you like some watermelon?”

Witnessing my web weaving at a frenetic pace I became self reflective… to announce my ” intensity” my inability to  “stop”… to do those social etiquette things..to take appropriately timed turns…..

Confessing that nowadays I’m not able to communicate with speech to most people… only those with whom I share common interests… I pegged out on the imaginary clothesline my autism… frailties and self perceived strengths.

In each scenario I revealed the elephant in the room.. and through sharing my awareness of my autism and how it impacted  upon my friend/s and myself…

Autism lost its label status/quality and my autistic traits pegged out without shame, manifested in the reality of  “being”…

What now?  Rest … Rest… and much more… seclusion….and what of the next encounters with these friends?

It will be easier to openly self monitor both my energy levels and my dominance of speak time… I won’t need to fumble in a hidden panic hopefully I’ll openly care for self and in doing so care for my friends.

 

 

 

Screaming under water!

What happens when you scream underwater?

Screaming underwater is what I do when trying to surface in a new reality.

I try to find the appropriate pathways but they are not necessarily the same as those I intuitively follow…………so inside my mind I scream.

I feel that I’m drowning and no one knows… just now at this moment the words of a song come to my mind… I never understood what these words meant…. Drowning not waving.   Now I “get it”.

It is the position we feel inside when we try to communicate and our efforts aren’t seen . Is this why some autistic children cease to speak or never speak? What is unseen, unspoken and unheard is the exhausting efforts autistics make to adapt, fit in and accomodate non-autistics only to be judged as being inflexible, un cooperative and much more…. how can we turn the light on and reveal our undercurrents, our whirlpools and our building waves that carry not only us but others too to undiscovered shores?

The difficulty is finding the correct pathways, not alluding to mental pathways but cultural pathways… people have different emphases on things and some people’s minds race ahead of where they are at to where they want to go and drop off a cliff. Other people slip and slide around those pathways and then find the track has been ripped out from under their feet just as they were beginning to get that grip.

Does the latter happen when parents speak and assume their children understand not only the words but also the grammar, syntax and significance of what is being communicated without tuning in to the child, the novice in  acquiring  language a ” common” language? Does the child miss the chance to commence walking on that path to wait for another opportunity… but what if  as he/she goes to plant a foot on that path as it disappears and is replaced by something else?

It  requires much patience  on behalf of parent/teacher and also student/child  etc  to progress to this common ground.   Perseverance! and a sense of authentic presence.

Not a half hearted attempt of flinging a few words and hoping they will land somewhere. The teacher becomes the student of the pupil in an attempt to know where interests lie, to get to know that person is a commitment when that person is autistic.

This blog is part of my tuition, the part where I’ll be learning to use ” tags’, but it is more than that it offers me a conscious insight as to what my mind is doing and also where my mind was racing ahead or slipping sideways . It is helping me to clarify intricacies of learning language as it were  ” from scratch” as Tech lingo is so different from my native or other acquired languages I’ve mastered and in doing my hope is get closer to knowing my Godson… who does not speak in words.

Jumping into the unknown ill-equipped is a gamble I have to take. Will I make it or remain screaming  under   water?

Late DX older Autistics struggling with Social Media 2 connect.

As an older late DX autistic I have trouble connecting with the online autistic community. Came to this site by chance. Am still figuring out myself since my diagnosis. Am sure I’ve made many mistakes trying to connect .

After decades of being excluded it is easy to take offence when my friendly overture is ignored at a Workshop,I take it as a conscious rejection instead of a by product of the other’s autism.  Results in a wariness to approach younger autistic adults. It can feel that there is a big invisible sign saying ” no autistics over x years welcome”.

It is difficult to deal with  decades of exclusion by NTs  followed by perceived exclusion by those who espouse Inclusion. Is there a support avenue for older autistics whose birth year plight hasn’t provided a DX by middle age nor equipped them to be included via social media etc?