After a week of ” socialising” I’m a wreck… so why in the hell did I do it?
Spent time with life-long friend… away together sharing accomodation.
Me I’m a recluse so not used to speaking… so it all poured out, interests, autism and associated conditions … felt so much of a ” kill joy”… so many dietary and mobility issues.
Instead of just feeling like I’d ruined another’s holiday I spoke out about my self blame and I guess my fear at losing a friend may have surfaced. Crunch!
My home isolation and her inability for self time at her home…. Crunched. Acknowledging it to each -other, acknowledging each other, smoothed out the sharpness of Crunch.
Articulating, acknowledging the elephant allowed us to caress it to ask it to sit with us, to ” be” with us as we listened to its silent witnessing we realised that we were at home being at times not at home with each other. Being real! More so than ever before.
Three spoon drained days… ended well with a wave from the long distance bus.
OK! That may seem, as it was for me , exhausting but there was no time to recover. It was one of those ” it never rains but it pours” situations.
Another long time friend from the city had commitments in nearby towns. A great opportunity time and location -wise to ” catch up” so I’d invited her to stay the nights in between.
Don’t know about you but when I’m a wreck I become a blithering mess… but before that stage, whilst I still have some sense of lucidity I launched into common interests … sounds fine … excitedly speaking at the pace of a bullet….
Aware of it but not knowing how to get out of my self woven spider web… i ground down to gibberish… to admitting my brain had ceased up… not even able to answer simple questions like ” would you like some watermelon?”
Witnessing my web weaving at a frenetic pace I became self reflective… to announce my ” intensity” my inability to “stop”… to do those social etiquette things..to take appropriately timed turns…..
Confessing that nowadays I’m not able to communicate with speech to most people… only those with whom I share common interests… I pegged out on the imaginary clothesline my autism… frailties and self perceived strengths.
In each scenario I revealed the elephant in the room.. and through sharing my awareness of my autism and how it impacted upon my friend/s and myself…
Autism lost its label status/quality and my autistic traits pegged out without shame, manifested in the reality of “being”…
What now? Rest … Rest… and much more… seclusion….and what of the next encounters with these friends?
It will be easier to openly self monitor both my energy levels and my dominance of speak time… I won’t need to fumble in a hidden panic hopefully I’ll openly care for self and in doing so care for my friends.